"i was out of town for two weeks and forgot to turn my paper in. can i turn it in now?"
(a week and some after it was due)
"what were x and y assignments?" i respond. "oh will you let me make up y assignment or not?"
(this like four hours before grades are due, and after i've already turned in my grades.)
mama says that the lesson to learn here is that i should invest in the students that are investing in the class and not invest so much worry in the students that don't seem to care. these are very wise words. i am going to try to incorporate them.
i started by problem solving my way out of some grading issues (corrupted files, files sent in the wrong format even though i've told them 158 times not to, etc.). then i went christmas shopping with my husband and saw invictus and ate chick-fil-a. it was awesome fun and i started to feel, ever-so-slowly, the weight of the last few months slipping off of me.
i'm so glad.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
mourning fury.
i'm currently slogging through about 70+ research papers. the end of the semesters, gosh i love them.
i have mentioned that i am teaching at two places: rural community college and big collegetown u. i have mentioned that the adjustment to these VERY.DIFFERENT populations has been stark, humbling, and somewhat frustrating. by about halfway through the semester, i felt like i had really gotten the message.
i changed my approach, lowered my expectations from my big collegetown u set, and taught much more step-by-step. i focused on answering questions, on workshopping papers piece by piece, and by trying to give students the tools that they needed while also challenging them to rise to higher standards than they were perhaps used to.
i felt like i was being successful. i knew there were students who weren't turning in papers, but because my classes are (will never be again, but are currently) weighted average classes (i.e. the third paper in the class is worth 20% of your grade, while the first is only worth 10%), i never really know the ramifications of student apathy until these weeks when i am calculating.
i find myself now vacillating between two very different feelings: pure and complete mourning sadness and unadulterated fury.
i am giving more failing grades this semester at rural cc than i have EVER given, probably in combination, in the entirety of my teaching career. some of these are for the people who have fallen off the planet and never withdrew from the class, despite the fact that emailed ad nauseum and let them know that they should. for those, i do not mourn. i think it a preposterous waste of resources, time, and intellect to register for a class and then never show up for it. it is antithetical to my very nature, thus it is prohibitively difficult for me to understand how someone could not feel any responsibility for it. one student let me know that he could not withdraw without losing his funding, and that he'd rather take the f. i can understand that. but joe student who told me in the third week of class that he was going to withdraw and just never did? lazy. unnecessary. annoying.
but what about the students who have come to class? who have showed up most every morning at 830 but just didn't turn in work?
those are the ones who fill me with this contradictory blend of sadness and fury. i just read a paper that i generously gave a 68. i am trying to be kind at the end of the semester, but i also absolutely refuse to give you an 80 if you have no argumentative structure, have obviously lifted source material (although, for time's sake, i refuse to google the heck out of these papers and just nail them on the fact that they aren't citing what is obviously not common knowledge), and don't really make an argument. but even if i HAD given this student an 80 on this paper, that student would barely have made a D.
a D. in a class that this student could easily have gotten a C in if this student HAD TURNED WORK IN consistently.
it's just so horrifying to me. i was talking to musicboy about this last night, as i began to feel the weight of all of this grading descend upon me. it happens every semester. i'm not sure why i should feel like this semester would be any different.
but this semester is different because everything feels new and very, very amplified. working at the rural cc is an awesome gig in so many ways. i love that the population is diverse. i love that i feel like these are students who really want to learn. i love that i feel like i'm making a difference, much more than i feel with, right or wrong, what feels like a very overprivileged population at big collegetown u, a population that trafficks in an attitude of entitlement.
nothing drives me nuttier than someone who walks into a class and thinks they are entitled to an a because they showed up and put in some effort. i'm sorry. that's not how life works.
but rural cc is almost the opposite. while there have been shining moments of awesome (the fact that i just gave a high B grade to a student who has been mired in the Cs and that led that student to earn a B in my class is just one example), these students just seem so apathetic.
why don't you care that you are FAILING? why don't you understand that there are consequences to your actions? do you really think that not turning in homework and classwork and then not turning in a paper worth 20% of your grade is the way to be successful? do you really believe that this is the way that life works? why are you even in school if you don't want to do the work? why are you giving up so easily? it makes me so sad.
and at the same time, i am angry. i am angry that someone would fritter away a chance that so many others fight tooth and nail to get. i am angry that someone doesn't rise to the level of capability that i know that they have. i have seen it. i watch it every day in class. i know who you are, person who is trying to fly under the radar. i know that you could do better. why don't you WANT to do better?
i am beginning to understand grade inflation. there are moments when i absolutely have to stop myself from changing grades just to stop the hemorraging of failing grades. when i gave the 68 on that paper, and then calculated the final grade and saw that it was a failing grade, i had to do some more math. i play this game with myself: "what if it was a 75? would it matter?" it didn't and since that was my upper limit, even when i'm trying to save someone, that was that.
but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less, nor does it make me any less angry. there is something so deeply, deeply demoralizing about the moment when you realize that all of your efforts have had very little effect on someone and that your course's grade may be the reason for bad things happening to them.
i almost wrote that i would be the reason that bad things would happen, but i had to stop myself. i am not the reason for anything happening to them. i am merely the reflection of their performance. but while that may be the eternal truth at the heart of this lesson i am learning about agency and choice, the reality is that i will likely be blamed. there will likely be a slew of emails over my break from students panicked about their grades. and i will have to, in the measured tones that i am learning to employ, explain how when you don't turn in 25% of your work, and you don't perform well on other things, the math just adds up to the opposite of success.
i think teaching requires a thicker skin than i currently have. i don't ever want to have a callous heart, but maybe i'd like for it to someday be a bit easier.
i have mentioned that i am teaching at two places: rural community college and big collegetown u. i have mentioned that the adjustment to these VERY.DIFFERENT populations has been stark, humbling, and somewhat frustrating. by about halfway through the semester, i felt like i had really gotten the message.
i changed my approach, lowered my expectations from my big collegetown u set, and taught much more step-by-step. i focused on answering questions, on workshopping papers piece by piece, and by trying to give students the tools that they needed while also challenging them to rise to higher standards than they were perhaps used to.
i felt like i was being successful. i knew there were students who weren't turning in papers, but because my classes are (will never be again, but are currently) weighted average classes (i.e. the third paper in the class is worth 20% of your grade, while the first is only worth 10%), i never really know the ramifications of student apathy until these weeks when i am calculating.
i find myself now vacillating between two very different feelings: pure and complete mourning sadness and unadulterated fury.
i am giving more failing grades this semester at rural cc than i have EVER given, probably in combination, in the entirety of my teaching career. some of these are for the people who have fallen off the planet and never withdrew from the class, despite the fact that emailed ad nauseum and let them know that they should. for those, i do not mourn. i think it a preposterous waste of resources, time, and intellect to register for a class and then never show up for it. it is antithetical to my very nature, thus it is prohibitively difficult for me to understand how someone could not feel any responsibility for it. one student let me know that he could not withdraw without losing his funding, and that he'd rather take the f. i can understand that. but joe student who told me in the third week of class that he was going to withdraw and just never did? lazy. unnecessary. annoying.
but what about the students who have come to class? who have showed up most every morning at 830 but just didn't turn in work?
those are the ones who fill me with this contradictory blend of sadness and fury. i just read a paper that i generously gave a 68. i am trying to be kind at the end of the semester, but i also absolutely refuse to give you an 80 if you have no argumentative structure, have obviously lifted source material (although, for time's sake, i refuse to google the heck out of these papers and just nail them on the fact that they aren't citing what is obviously not common knowledge), and don't really make an argument. but even if i HAD given this student an 80 on this paper, that student would barely have made a D.
a D. in a class that this student could easily have gotten a C in if this student HAD TURNED WORK IN consistently.
it's just so horrifying to me. i was talking to musicboy about this last night, as i began to feel the weight of all of this grading descend upon me. it happens every semester. i'm not sure why i should feel like this semester would be any different.
but this semester is different because everything feels new and very, very amplified. working at the rural cc is an awesome gig in so many ways. i love that the population is diverse. i love that i feel like these are students who really want to learn. i love that i feel like i'm making a difference, much more than i feel with, right or wrong, what feels like a very overprivileged population at big collegetown u, a population that trafficks in an attitude of entitlement.
nothing drives me nuttier than someone who walks into a class and thinks they are entitled to an a because they showed up and put in some effort. i'm sorry. that's not how life works.
but rural cc is almost the opposite. while there have been shining moments of awesome (the fact that i just gave a high B grade to a student who has been mired in the Cs and that led that student to earn a B in my class is just one example), these students just seem so apathetic.
why don't you care that you are FAILING? why don't you understand that there are consequences to your actions? do you really think that not turning in homework and classwork and then not turning in a paper worth 20% of your grade is the way to be successful? do you really believe that this is the way that life works? why are you even in school if you don't want to do the work? why are you giving up so easily? it makes me so sad.
and at the same time, i am angry. i am angry that someone would fritter away a chance that so many others fight tooth and nail to get. i am angry that someone doesn't rise to the level of capability that i know that they have. i have seen it. i watch it every day in class. i know who you are, person who is trying to fly under the radar. i know that you could do better. why don't you WANT to do better?
i am beginning to understand grade inflation. there are moments when i absolutely have to stop myself from changing grades just to stop the hemorraging of failing grades. when i gave the 68 on that paper, and then calculated the final grade and saw that it was a failing grade, i had to do some more math. i play this game with myself: "what if it was a 75? would it matter?" it didn't and since that was my upper limit, even when i'm trying to save someone, that was that.
but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less, nor does it make me any less angry. there is something so deeply, deeply demoralizing about the moment when you realize that all of your efforts have had very little effect on someone and that your course's grade may be the reason for bad things happening to them.
i almost wrote that i would be the reason that bad things would happen, but i had to stop myself. i am not the reason for anything happening to them. i am merely the reflection of their performance. but while that may be the eternal truth at the heart of this lesson i am learning about agency and choice, the reality is that i will likely be blamed. there will likely be a slew of emails over my break from students panicked about their grades. and i will have to, in the measured tones that i am learning to employ, explain how when you don't turn in 25% of your work, and you don't perform well on other things, the math just adds up to the opposite of success.
i think teaching requires a thicker skin than i currently have. i don't ever want to have a callous heart, but maybe i'd like for it to someday be a bit easier.
Friday, December 11, 2009
our goal was to go to sleep...
...but last night instead we spent an hour and a half talking about big things in life and planning.
whenever musicboy and i feel like life is trying, we reconnect through talking. talking is how we started, you know, and talking is how we remember how much we love each other. i like that so much about us.
we talked about big things and it wasn't scary. they weren't bad things, just things that could maybe be scary because they're like big life things. i love that we can talk about anything and it's okay.
and we came to the realization that we can do it.
that was cool. it was one of those times when we realized that, on paper, nothing ever looks like it will work out. but with faith, it will. that's the way our life is. on paper, we should be ridiculously poor. in reality, we are doing really well. we have good, solid financial plans for our future and we have plans to manage the financial challenges that will come when i graduate (hello student loans and health insurance). on paper, life should be really difficult because it's the FIRST YEAR and that's supposed to be really tough with the adjustment. in reality? we're fine. we've managed the first, insanely busy, wickedly stressful semester with grace. together.
all of these blessings are surely not from us, and we know it. and i continue to be amazed by how much we are blessed. today, for example, we got some amazing news about a bonus from musicboy's work. we thought bonuses had been done away with. apparently not. it comes at the perfect time, and it's an amazing blessing.
all of this to say that i love that we can face the big life things with faith. we realize that, together, we can face anything but most importantly, together with Heavenly Father, we will truly be blessed.
come what may, we'll love it.
whenever musicboy and i feel like life is trying, we reconnect through talking. talking is how we started, you know, and talking is how we remember how much we love each other. i like that so much about us.
we talked about big things and it wasn't scary. they weren't bad things, just things that could maybe be scary because they're like big life things. i love that we can talk about anything and it's okay.
and we came to the realization that we can do it.
that was cool. it was one of those times when we realized that, on paper, nothing ever looks like it will work out. but with faith, it will. that's the way our life is. on paper, we should be ridiculously poor. in reality, we are doing really well. we have good, solid financial plans for our future and we have plans to manage the financial challenges that will come when i graduate (hello student loans and health insurance). on paper, life should be really difficult because it's the FIRST YEAR and that's supposed to be really tough with the adjustment. in reality? we're fine. we've managed the first, insanely busy, wickedly stressful semester with grace. together.
all of these blessings are surely not from us, and we know it. and i continue to be amazed by how much we are blessed. today, for example, we got some amazing news about a bonus from musicboy's work. we thought bonuses had been done away with. apparently not. it comes at the perfect time, and it's an amazing blessing.
all of this to say that i love that we can face the big life things with faith. we realize that, together, we can face anything but most importantly, together with Heavenly Father, we will truly be blessed.
come what may, we'll love it.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
game on.
we joined the EXPENSIVE collegetown gym with three locations.
we went for the first time last night and i burned something like 700 calories.
today, i was INSANELY hungry (not surprising since i worked out hard last night and woke up at 5 am). tonight, i am fairly exhausted but will go tonight with musicboy. we will do the weightlifting. i will do the cardio first, then the lifting, then the cardio. it will be either like walking/jogging through mud or exhilirating fun.
i haven't really changed the way i've eaten. maybe some more vegetables. we're eating at home more, which is VERY VERY good, even though when i am tired and don't want to cook i am all WAH chinese. luckily musicboy is much stronger than i am once i say we should stop spending money like crazies. also the megahefty monthly total for the gym might contribute to that.
i feel quite good about the whole process. i had three goals today: go to the gym, do the laundry, and grade. two out of three ain't bad.
excuse me while i go wade through the pile of clean laundry that need to be folded.
we went for the first time last night and i burned something like 700 calories.
today, i was INSANELY hungry (not surprising since i worked out hard last night and woke up at 5 am). tonight, i am fairly exhausted but will go tonight with musicboy. we will do the weightlifting. i will do the cardio first, then the lifting, then the cardio. it will be either like walking/jogging through mud or exhilirating fun.
i haven't really changed the way i've eaten. maybe some more vegetables. we're eating at home more, which is VERY VERY good, even though when i am tired and don't want to cook i am all WAH chinese. luckily musicboy is much stronger than i am once i say we should stop spending money like crazies. also the megahefty monthly total for the gym might contribute to that.
i feel quite good about the whole process. i had three goals today: go to the gym, do the laundry, and grade. two out of three ain't bad.
excuse me while i go wade through the pile of clean laundry that need to be folded.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
as i was driving to the grocery store, i realized a major flaw.
when i see facebook friends rooting for a rival college football team, i lose respect for them.
in fact, i may even feel momentary disgust.
it's usually momentary, and countered by more rational, kind, and generous side, but i a little bit want to tear their eyes out with my bare hands.
this is a personal flaw. it only lasts through january, though, so perhaps it's something i can just live with?
in fact, i may even feel momentary disgust.
it's usually momentary, and countered by more rational, kind, and generous side, but i a little bit want to tear their eyes out with my bare hands.
this is a personal flaw. it only lasts through january, though, so perhaps it's something i can just live with?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
existential question of the day. sometimes i do that.
will it ever feel less WHOA that i'm a married lady?
a friend (you know who you are!) is getting married in a month. i remember when musicboy first got back, when we were first dating, when she first got engaged (her engagement was a LOT longer than mine!)--and her wedding seemed so far away. now it's just around the corner, and i'm so excited for her and the amazingness that is newlywed life and i think WHOA.
i'm married.
i spent so long wanting to reach this point in my life, and now i'm here, and it feels so normal and natural and cool and i continue to be in awe of my husband's kindness toward me and how much i love just being around him, not in a googly-eyed lovestruck teenager way, but in a wow, he's such a cool guy and i really just completely LIKE him.
you know, in addition to the loving him too.
sometimes i think about it, as i realize that time keeps passing and soon it will have been six months and then it will have been a year and someday there will be more time that we've been together than we haven't been together and i love that and it floors me.
that time passes and you adapt to it and it takes really random moments to make you realize how MUCH things have changed and how different you are and how much you have changed.
i'm grateful for those moments, but i guess i wonder. will i ever FEEL different? i'm not really sure that i do. i feel like teachergirl, the same teachergirl, just...married. i'm happy, very happy, but i was happy before. i guess i thought that i would feel so much different as a married person.
does anyone know what i'm talking about?
a friend (you know who you are!) is getting married in a month. i remember when musicboy first got back, when we were first dating, when she first got engaged (her engagement was a LOT longer than mine!)--and her wedding seemed so far away. now it's just around the corner, and i'm so excited for her and the amazingness that is newlywed life and i think WHOA.
i'm married.
i spent so long wanting to reach this point in my life, and now i'm here, and it feels so normal and natural and cool and i continue to be in awe of my husband's kindness toward me and how much i love just being around him, not in a googly-eyed lovestruck teenager way, but in a wow, he's such a cool guy and i really just completely LIKE him.
you know, in addition to the loving him too.
sometimes i think about it, as i realize that time keeps passing and soon it will have been six months and then it will have been a year and someday there will be more time that we've been together than we haven't been together and i love that and it floors me.
that time passes and you adapt to it and it takes really random moments to make you realize how MUCH things have changed and how different you are and how much you have changed.
i'm grateful for those moments, but i guess i wonder. will i ever FEEL different? i'm not really sure that i do. i feel like teachergirl, the same teachergirl, just...married. i'm happy, very happy, but i was happy before. i guess i thought that i would feel so much different as a married person.
does anyone know what i'm talking about?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
there's a silver lining to every really large, ominous, vomit-inducing black cloud. or so i choose to think.
so remember how i was like "oh woe is me, i have a cold and it's SOBAD and i hate being phlegmy and my husband must really love me"?
yeah. so once upon a time, musicboy made yummy pie. and we decided (mainly, he told me, but i listened, contrary to my better judgment) that it didn't need to be refrigerated. so for whatever reason, i seemed to be the only person eating pie and i wasn't eating pie in vast amounts, so by sunday night, there was 1/4th of a pie left.
and it looked okay, but not at the same time. but i was all "lalala, it's just the sugar!" and i shoveled a big slice into my big mouth even while some part of me, probably the part of me who has read things on the internet about FOOD BORNE DISEASES and OHNOPUTFOODAWAY! and who lived with my roommate for two years, was like NOOOOO!
and i packed the rest of the pie in musicboy's lunch. for monday. still unrefrigerated.
yeah.
by 12 pm yesterday, i had the beginnings of probably the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had in my life. knowing musicboy was still at work and probably hadn't eaten the dessert we now affectionately call "the death pie" yet, i texted him and told him DON'T EAT PIE. VERY BAD PIE. WILL CAUSE YUCK.
and then i proceeded to yak my guts out in any way possible for the next 6 hours.
don't you love these little updates that i give you? i knew that you did.
but even though he was somewhat privy to the last vestiges of what must be the most horrible illness ever (at least he was within earshot), he still loved me. still got me gatorade. still went to the store and got me sprite and white bread (back in the early phases, when i thought i would be eating sometime within a 24 hour span of that moment). he is a saint. this much i know for sure.
and then he gave me a blessing, because somewhere in there i came the closest i've ever come to passing out (likely from dehydration), and felt like i needed divine intervention. and say what you will, it worked. no symptoms, or at least nothing major, since that blessing.
i totally love Heavenly Father.
just for giggles, i got on the scale last night.
six pounds down. and there's your silver lining.
you know, other than the fact that a) Heavenly Father loves me; b) my husband is an incredibly wonderful person with a great deal of compassion and c) gatorade was invented to keep me alive.
this past month has pretty much sucked physically. i'm ready for a reboot or something. good grief.
yeah. so once upon a time, musicboy made yummy pie. and we decided (mainly, he told me, but i listened, contrary to my better judgment) that it didn't need to be refrigerated. so for whatever reason, i seemed to be the only person eating pie and i wasn't eating pie in vast amounts, so by sunday night, there was 1/4th of a pie left.
and it looked okay, but not at the same time. but i was all "lalala, it's just the sugar!" and i shoveled a big slice into my big mouth even while some part of me, probably the part of me who has read things on the internet about FOOD BORNE DISEASES and OHNOPUTFOODAWAY! and who lived with my roommate for two years, was like NOOOOO!
and i packed the rest of the pie in musicboy's lunch. for monday. still unrefrigerated.
yeah.
by 12 pm yesterday, i had the beginnings of probably the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had in my life. knowing musicboy was still at work and probably hadn't eaten the dessert we now affectionately call "the death pie" yet, i texted him and told him DON'T EAT PIE. VERY BAD PIE. WILL CAUSE YUCK.
and then i proceeded to yak my guts out in any way possible for the next 6 hours.
don't you love these little updates that i give you? i knew that you did.
but even though he was somewhat privy to the last vestiges of what must be the most horrible illness ever (at least he was within earshot), he still loved me. still got me gatorade. still went to the store and got me sprite and white bread (back in the early phases, when i thought i would be eating sometime within a 24 hour span of that moment). he is a saint. this much i know for sure.
and then he gave me a blessing, because somewhere in there i came the closest i've ever come to passing out (likely from dehydration), and felt like i needed divine intervention. and say what you will, it worked. no symptoms, or at least nothing major, since that blessing.
i totally love Heavenly Father.
just for giggles, i got on the scale last night.
six pounds down. and there's your silver lining.
you know, other than the fact that a) Heavenly Father loves me; b) my husband is an incredibly wonderful person with a great deal of compassion and c) gatorade was invented to keep me alive.
this past month has pretty much sucked physically. i'm ready for a reboot or something. good grief.
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